Friday, August 08, 2003
kk...i've already done my work...
today i was damn grouch la.
must be post-meeting line. i really think so.
i love her a lot. gosh!!!!!!
im not over her la.. fuck la.
and that really pissed me off today la. i already feel so depressed
really wanna drown myself away. i can't handle this man.
i thought i could but now i cant. just cos i saw her face and it was so shagged. and she was so touched with my gift and i didn't know wat to do. i wanted to give her a hug but i knew i couldnt. her eyes were so puffy. and her face was so pale. and i really dun like seeing her that way. gets me all restless. but im u know unfeeling and so i really dunno how to act.
and even when i wrote her card i couldn write much. i can't say anything to her. guess we both feel guilty and ashamed cos of wat happened. i tried to tell her so many times just how much i love her but she can't get it. she doens't want to get it. she cant even accept that i care for her. i think she just wanted to play with my heart all along. she tells me dun start something unless you can finish it. well she's finished it well alrite. fantastic.
well done bitch.
damn bitch i still love you.
i hate myself for caring. and i dunno wat will happen at next yr's b-day. will i still want to buy her a gift? just cos her birthday is the same as my mom. will that happen??? will it. she told me not to do this again. as in giving her a gift. i dunno if i can help myself. mayb i shld buy her somethign n put it in her box. just out of my love for her. i dunno. urgh... kill me la...
farah...pls dun open tt box. i know u are tempted to. pls don't open it. today after i talked to miss soh i really felt like crying. guess maybe she reminded me abt wat i had to do and wat i had to concentrate on. felt like i was back in the saadon days when saadon kept pissing me off but then she still liked me and i still liked her anyways. can't believe i feel like crying. why do i always have this connection with tchs?? miss soh seems to like talking to me. and she really cares. im touched. think i should be nicer to her. really i should. hee :)
god i miss lin.
all sorts of thoughts are just flowing through my head. its really hard. it really is... gosh...
haiz... and i dunno why today when i wanted to msg feli...i unknowingly typed... babe i love you so much... i was messaging during bio class la and just typing away without looking and i ended up typing that... why??? lucky i cancelled it. was in such a daze at that moment. haiz...
im screwed. and lin scrwed me up. she made me feel something that i've been hiding for so long. the fact that i like girls. yes...i am a lesbian. i am a bisexual. im a pure lesbian/ bisexual. how extremist???!!!!! gosh!
kk...i think i better go sleep now. think when i sleep the thoughts flow less cos i dun dream. thank god! tmr got a long short day. haha.. as in its a short day but its gonna feel really long cos got lots of activities.. :P oh well... kk nite nite my star... :) i love you lin. forever. always.
--insignificant lies--
2:41 am
